Yoga Pants
Girls will do fucking anything to get banged by Bros. Just fucking admit it - every action they take is done so that they can get to Pound Town as quickly and often as possible. To all you doubters out there, what the fuck do girls ever do that’s with the intention of anything different? Work hard in school and make their way to the top of the Corporate Ladder, you say? Yeah right, that’s just so they can make Bros bang them to get ahead in the company (e.g. Condoleezza Rice and Barack Obama (probably)). If girls had their way they’d lie around all fucking day eating tub after tub of Chunky Monkey while they watched some shitty show about how fucking awesome Oprah is or some shit. But come on, girls realize they could never get stuffed if they looked like King Hippo’s fucking twin sister, so they actually put some effort into their appearance.
Even though they’re probably the most uncomfortable and non-sensical shoe, girls spend half their lives in high heels just to make their legs look good. And look at fucking #170 thongs – girls sacrifice having constant wedgies just so their asses look on point. And just so they can attempt to look like #95 Models aka what every woman should strive to be, they constantly work out. Now, girls’ workout clothes have evolved over the years, but thanks to science, we’re at the peak of innovation. Much like everyone’s Irish on #156 St. Patrick’s Day, every girl’s ass looks fucking incredible in Yoga Pants.
When the fuck did Yoga get so fucking popular anyways? I feel like it was just a couple years ago that it was just for crazy old ladies who probably held fucking wedding ceremonies for their cats. Somehow Yoga became as trendy as eating disorders among girls because now every girl in the World blows their entire fucking paycheck on some new Lululemon outfit.
NOW, COME ON NYB, IT’S NOT JUST FOR GIRLS - YOU CAN MEET SOME QUALITY TAIL AT YOGA!! Shut the fuck up. If you have to resort to sitting in the Downward Facing Dog in order to get laid, you are not a Bro. You’re barely even a man. Sure there’s a lot of fucking hot bitches that go to Yoga, but are you honestly going to tell me that they’re going to bang you just because you do Yoga, too? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH WORK THAT WOULD TAKE? First, you’d have to convince the girl that you are actually into banging Women. That might take like a fucking Month. Then, MAYBE, if she doesn’t still think of you as her Gay Yoga Friend, you MIGHT be able to lay some fucking pipe. But, yeah, have fun with that shit – I’ll be nailing the Slam Piece that just bought me drinks all night at the bar. Bros don’t do work, but that’s beside the fucking point – just because bros hate Yoga, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy its’ spoils.
Yoga pants are the Wonderbra for the ass. While the original 80’s spandex was good at compressing girls’ legs completely so they basically don’t have any circulation, Yoga Pants shape that shit into the entire perfect ass/leg combo package. It’s seriously some fucking David Blaine shit. Honestly, how far are we away from it being socially acceptable for girls to go out to bars in Yoga Pants? I fucking guarantee they want to do that shit and Bros would fucking love it, too, so it’s obvious the only thing stopping that shit is the Bro-Hater society.
There’s always a catch, though. There’s a reason the Wonderbra is considered the Anne Sullivan of lingerie. There’s nothing worse than un-strapping that shit expecting to see a perfect rack of titters only to find a set of pancakes that even fucking Paul Bunyan wouldn’t touch. The same holds true for Yoga Pants, but it’s even worse. Yeah that ass looks fucking perfect now, but what the fuck is it hiding? Stretch marks? Cellulite?? Thunder Thighs??? Gross. The possibilities are fucking terrifying. Regardless, much like judging any Girl based on her appearance, the true beauty is on the outside.
While a True Bro wouldn’t be fucking caught dead “having a sweat” during a 6am Hot Yoga session, we’re an optimistic bunch. We realize Yoga serves as a higher calling for the Slam Piece participants. Every stretch they take brings them one stop closer to their final destination. The Pound Town Express may have an exclusive dress code, but one thing’s for certain – Yoga Pants are encouraged.
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Originally Posted by Red Rider
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