First of all, I've held off posting this one for a couple days. I wasn't sure if it would be believable or if it would show up in the papers/cop investigation...but it didn't and I have no proof. I decided I couldn't hold back, it was too ridiculous, just as most adventures are when you take mind altering drugs.

This happened last Saturday.



I often forget what it's like to wake up before noon on saturday and not be hung over. There's so much time to do shit and you actually feel like you could accomplish something. The sun was high in sky and my roommates and I are out on our porch mowing down some Cinnamon toast Crunch, it's a good start, but how do we make the day get better? We decide to get some mushrooms and go to the zoo.

The shrooms we get have been mixed/baked/put inside of some carmel things. I'm not a drug baker, I have no idea how it works. It's me two of my roommates and my roommates friend Sara. Sara is one of those granola, frisbee lovely, getting high makes me creative, hippy girls who is also super short, like 5'2". Right off the bat I'm not a big fan, but she has some quality boobs for a short and skinny, and is wearing a bright pink lacey thong which indicated to me that my dick inside of her would be a good idea, so I approved. We eat the shrooms, carmely and delicious.

I fucking love the zoo. Animals and the Discovery Channel blow my mind. Seeing them in real life rules because they just kind of hang out at the zoo and I like to hang out, so I appreciate what they do and feel like i'm on their level. Driving to the zoo, the shrooms haven't hit yet, but I'm starting to feel that initial high that probably has more to do with my anticipation of being high and at a zoo than it does with the toxins mixing with my blood stream, oh boy it's exciting.

Right off the bat, wham, a fucking cheetah and it's cubs. "Damn cheetahs are awesome," we say. We want to see the cheetah run, but he has nothing to run at and enjoys the shade. We move on.

The bird aquarium is what my roommate called it, but it was actually the aviary. The shrooms are hitting. Colors are better, sounds are sounder, and not smiling is a struggle. "Damn, birds are awesome," we say. We're surrounding by bird calls and can only hear the fuckers. You can hear the flapping and Ka-Kaing, but when you turn to look the bird is already landed somewhere else, lost in the trees. We collectively agreed the birds were up to something. We didn't know what, but we didn't like it. Sara has been quiet up until this point when she gets all moody and angry. No one cares, but she voices her opinion like we do. "It's just fucking bullshit, they shouldn't be kept in here"...Fuck not this shit, being around an argument like this were female emotions run high is not something you want to be around while High. Everyone deals with it and listens to her tell us about the poem she's going to write about dandelions and the cage bird or some gay shit like that.

The reptile room is so dark. I always forget that. Shrooms are in full force. My god, I am high. Snake movement is fucking weird. It looks propelled by some hatred or evil force. I'm not amused. Sara and I get seperated from my roommates. We come outside of the reptile room expecting to see them but they aren't there. We decide we shouldn't go back inside. The snakes got them. We must move on.

The elephants mean business. Lumbering along all high and mighty. Sara is telling me about their memory and how they act about deceased elephants and burials and shit. I tell the elephant closest to me that I understand and everything will be alright. Sara and I sit and watch them in silence until she turns to me, "are you horny?' "shit! is my tusk showing?" "i'm horny" My no nonsense response is that it's the drugs, but fuck it boobs are beautiful and she has quite a worthy pair. "Do you want to find a bathroom or something?" she says, "no" and we walk on.

The penguins! I couldn't stop laughing. "They should just fly away," I kept saying. Sara isn't saying anything. The penguins are saying "ha ha ha we're flying, we're flying" Sara is trying to climb into the back area of the penguin pen where they sometimes hold some penguins. She's got a leg up on the side of the wall and is holding onto the top of a concrete block. "what are you doing? you can't go in there" i say. "just help me up, don't you want to screw me in the penguin pit?" Fucking logic, I can't argue, I do want to screw her amongst the penguins, but with morgan freeman narrating and each penguin wearing a bow tie and monocle.

I quickly help her over and climb up and over with the intensity of a man escaping a lifelong sentence in jail for freedom and chance at starting over, except i'm motivated by getting my beak wet with a hippy girl as a shit load of penguins watch. The high kind of disappears when you're that motivated and focused. When I get to the other side, sara is reaching her hand out and petting a penguin. "that's awesome" i say and I reached down and pet her right breast. She moans and kind of arches, exposing her neck so I kiss her neck and reach down with my other hand to pet her twatty. The penguin is watching. I'm watching the penguin. I swear it winks.

Sara does kind of a jump like she's startled and says to follow her. I follow her behind the fake rock mountain the penguins stand on. She reaches down to pet another penguin, "help me grab these penguins" and she fucking grabs the penguin in front of her who immediately quacks "rape! rape! RAPE!" and i'm like fuck that penguin is getting raped. "sara what are you doing, are you fucking out of your mind!' She's holding on to that penguin like a full back and rushes towards the gate. I chase after her and say, "you can't steal a penguin from it's home, that's fucked" She says, "it's fucked that this is there home. THIS ISN"T THEIR HOME" "are you still horny?" "I was never horny, i just needed help getting in" That fucking bitch. I grab her shoulder and arm to free the penguin who is just quacking and flapping away. She bites my hand. Instinctively I let go. A mistake. She turns and sprints for the main gate. Running low on acceptable options for fighting a girl I do the first thing that pops into my head. I karate chop her neck. I did it! she dropped the penguin, who quickly scurries off. She turns around and punts the shit out of my dick and balls. Right in the beanbag. And opens the main gate, waiting for the penguins to follow.

When I catch my wind, I get up and see the gate open but no Sara. There's a few penguins about waiting for me to hand them fishes. I ask them where she went....Still too fucking high. I dip out the gate and see if anyone is around, shut the gate and take off sprinting. I sprint all the way back to the front of the zoo past crying children and obese parents at the food court to the reptile room. Not sure why, but I go inside. My two roommates are back against the wall standing on a bench in the corner. "no time, we got to get out of he-" "knucklehead! there's a giant snake on the floor. help us" "there's no snake, you're tripping let's go" "THERE'S A FUCKING SNAKE ON THE GROUND AND I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU GET IT" "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET'S GO" The other roommate senses my urgency and snaps out of the trip, hopping off the bench and telling the other roommate it's alright and safe now. He closes his eyes jumps off the bench and sprints outside. We follow.

No one has seen or heard from Sara since. We decided not to tell any of our friends about this to keep it low profile. I just had to share.